


Breaking the Silence

by snovyda



Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Dealing With Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation (2015) Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 21:49:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12566936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snovyda/pseuds/snovyda
Summary: Benji has trouble regaining his own voice after his time with the Syndicate.





	Breaking the Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on tumblr. I did some editing before posting it here.... hope you guys enjoy.

It was already late into the night when four men walked into the hotel to check in. Two rooms, with two separate beds each, had been booked for them a few hours ago.

Brandt had commented dryly on the generosity Hunley had showed with that move, saying that you’d probably need to really be of royal blood in order to get a separate room booked for you. He had nudged Benji while saying it, like it was an inside joke, but Benji had merely shrugged and stepped away.

Ethan had watched the exchange silently, half-trying to make sense of it and half-wondering if he ever should try. Maybe he should, but not now. He was tired. All six months of being on his toes, having to hide, always on the run, were finally gaining on him. Let alone all the events of the past night… Those recent memories made him scan his surroundings frantically, until his gaze found Benji standing a few meters away.

“Hey,” Brandt had left Luther to sort out their checking in and stood by Ethan’s side, also looking at Benji. “Has Benji talked to you since we… caught Lane?”

Ethan winced, trying to remember. Benji had been silent for the entirety of their ride to the hotel, but now that he thought about it, he couldn’t recall him speaking at all since leaving the outdoor restaurant.

“No,” he replied, moving his confused gaze to finally meet Brandt’s. “You?”

Brandt shook his head.

“Last time he talked to me was when he called me on the phone asking for directions to the garage,” he mused. “He didn’t sound that good. After that I haven’t heard a word from him”.

“Let’s give him some time,” Ethan suggested after a few seconds of thinking. “A lot has happened, he has a lot to process”.

* * *

 

For Ethan, there were two kinds of after-mission sleep. The first kind was when he passed out once his head merely reached the pillow and slept without any dreams till a few hours later. The second kind was when his mind kept being invaded with flashbacks and recent images, creating increasingly hellish scenarios, making him want to crawl out of his skin. He should have predicted that this night would be of the second kind. He was too late, always too late, always missing by mere seconds, always when the life that depended on it was not his own. He jolted awake, sitting up and scanning the room. His eyes fell to the bed next to his and his insides twisted. It was empty.

Cursing himself for being so complacent, he got out of bed and took out his gun, listening carefully for any noise, countless images, not much different to what he had just seen in his dreams, running through his mind. He sensed, more than anything, some movement by the doorway, immediately standing up and pointing the gun in that direction.

A figure emerged from the complete darkness and froze. Eyes widened in shocked stupor and a glass of water in a now trembling hand were the first things Ethan took in before he realised he was pointing a gun at Benji. The glass fell from Benji’s hand and shattered on the floor, destroying the silence and finally snapping Ethan out of his manic state.

“Jesus, Benji,” Ethan rushed to put the gun back where it had previously been. “God, I’m sorry,” Benji still stood in the doorway, shaking and breathing in visible pants, shattered glass and a small puddle of spilled water unnoticed on the floor by his feet. Ethan sat down onto the edge of the bed and pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes. “It’s just- I woke up and you were gone, and I… I’m sorry”.

Benji still remained speechless, staring at the shards of broken glass on the floor, as if mesmerized by it, his mind clearly miles away.

Ethan rubbed his eyes violently. He raised his head to see Benji standing like a statue, his vacant expression too much like the one he had worn hours ago at that damned restaurant. His limbs protesting at every movement, Ethan got back onto his feet and tentatively walked over to the other man.

“Hey,” he murmured. “Hey, you there?”

He put his hands on Benji’s elbows, expecting any kind of startled reaction. But none came. He tugged at Benji’s arms and led him over to the bed until they were both sitting on its edge.  A few more silent moments followed. Ethan chanced a glance at Benji’s face. His expression was still unreadable, though that terrifying distant look was now gone. Another heavy silence fell over them.

“Benji, look,” Ethan spoke up. He hoped Benji was listening, despite not making eye contact. “I know you might not want to talk, and it’s okay if you don’t, but it can make you feel better,” he paused and was once again met with silence. Taking a breath, he continued, “Trust me, these things aren’t always easy to deal with,” he glanced at the broken glass, feeling like a hypocrite, trying to teach Benji something he hadn’t mastered himself… that was probably impossible to master perfectly. “But you can always-“

“It’s weird, innit,” Benji suddenly rasped. Ethan almost jumped at the sound of the voice, whatever he was going to say forgotten immediately. Benji’s voice was shaky and quivery. Too much like it had been at that restaurant. As if Benji was forcing the words out of his overdry throat.

“What is?” Ethan asked softly. He needed Benji to speak. For many reasons. One of them being that he was still fighting the memory of dreading the very likely possibility of never hearing that voice again.

“Being alive,” Benji winced at the sound of his own words. “When you’re given the exact time till your death, you find it’s just enough to… sort of teach yourself to be dead. You look at the world around and get yourself to come to terms with the fact that you are leaving it. So you need to stop… being attached to it. And then you are suddenly alive, but you still feel like you no longer belong in this world,” he looked up and took a deep and shaky breath. “This is silly. I’m sure you’ve been through things like this and worse…”

Ethan shook his head soundlessly. He couldn’t recall ever being in a position quite like that. Even when he’d had a time-bomb in his head, he still could fight and look for a way out of the situation. Benji, on the other hand, had been left completely helpless, with absolutely nothing left to do except for waiting for death. A deep shudder went through Ethan’s body.

Benji let out a bitter chuckle. Ethan could see all too clearly that his eyes were now glistening in the first light of a new day that was coming from the street through the window.

“I can’t even speak without hearing myself saying all that stuff he made me say. Can’t hear my own voice without hearing it saying his words. I can still hear him in my head,” Benji looked down at his hands, suddenly all too curious about how his knuckles worked.

“And then- then you showed up, and it got worse…” Benji covered his face, letting in a shaky breath and not letting himself say anything else.

Unable to say anything through the lump in his throat, Ethan reached out to put his arm around Benji’s shoulders and drew him close. After all the what-if scenarios and nightmares his brain had cooked up for him, it was immeasurably comforting to be able to prove to himself that they were wrong.

 “You are going to be okay,” he whispered with more conviction than he thought he had. He needed it to be true just as much as Benji did. “I promise. You are going to be okay”.

They sat like this for a long time, too exhausted to move. Each with his own demons, but still determined to fight them together, no matter what.

**The End**


End file.
